“Prophet’s Depression”; that’s what I call it these days. Like when Elijah had his powerful day with the Lord, and slew 450 of the prophets – Alone – And then ends up hiding in the cave – Alone. It seems as I read of several episodes of Elijah’s life, as well as in the lives of Moses, David, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and a host of others, many of these powerful men of God went through deep depression at times. There were incredible highs but also incredible lows. I know those lows and that depression very well, too well in fact. I know the feeling of loneliness and rejection, which these men of God also felt. I know, as these others also knew, how to be in a crowd of people and feel more alone than can be described in words. I know the feeling of the solitude, and of being unloved and unwanted by so many; especially by those whom I love dearly.
What makes matters worse is when those who are religious (head knowledge and usually all-knowing, and often documentation or certificate holders), or spiritual (but I sometimes question which “Spirit), or further along in their walk (which usually means “saved” longer – I.e., spiritual seniority), or however we wish to describe them (I often lump these groups all together and refer to them as “church-people”), essentially condemn me. I doubt that most condemn me intentionally, but intentional or not, the more they speak, the worse I feel. These people claim to be speaking for God, but why do they speak in ways that cause me more pain? Is that how God speaks? God has spoken firmly to me at times but I always still feel that I am loved as He does. Why then do these claiming to be speaking God’s words to me, cut me to the bone and beyond? I am certainly not condemning what they think they are speaking, but if they truly are speaking God’s words; God is a tyrant. I can no longer accept that notion. I spent too many years sitting in the wrong chair because I listened to the wrong people and trusted what they said.
Do I see the problem as being within me? Yes, in so many ways, Yes. Do I have a clue how to fix me? No, in all ways, No. Some say I just don’t know God enough. Typically, these people clarify that this is because I don’t spend enough time alone with Him. Hmmmm? I guess the 12 years alone in my home, with no one around, does not fit the idea of being alone with God. Hours and hours and days spent on end in God’s Word do not fit the idea either. Sitting quietly for hours and just listening, through the day and all through the night, just listening, does not fit being alone with God either. Countless hours of praising and praying alone, both in the natural and in the spirit, both in services and at home, do not constitute being alone with God. Sitting alone on a tractor for hours and praising as I worked in the field is not alone enough either. Even as I sit here in South Texas, along the Mexico border, I am still alone most of the time. Even when I am with others in this place, I don’t speak the language, so I am still alone and use the time to focus on God and pray and listen.
Others want me to keep digging up the past and seek deliverance, as I chew and chew and chew on old, dry, dead bones. There is no meat left on those bones, and no flavor either. They just hurt my teeth and wear them down. How does focusing behind me help me to move forward? I don’t drive my car by constantly looking in the mirrors and watching and studying where I was. Sure, I recognize the past. I understand how much hurt there has been and that hurt is deep inside me, but digging it up over and over does not seem like a good way to get beyond that hurt.
A few years ago, God touched me in an extra-special way. I was so free that I could not believe the weight that came off me in that moment. It literally felt as if I was encased in concrete and it all shattered in an instant. Anger and bitterness were gone. Understanding and love remained; however, the hurt and disappointment was still there. It still is. It is deep. But I still felt such freedom that I was bursting at the seams. Most certainly, the hurts remained but there was a joy that went far beyond words. I felt no condemnation at all and I could feel closeness with God that was incredible and beyond description.
Then, the worst possible thing could have happened…The church-people began to come in and finish what God had started. I needed to do this and that, and I needed to stop doing that and this. I had to change things that I felt no conviction over and had to do so many things – according to them. But it got worse. These church-people were giving me conflicting orders. Not only did the individuals conflict with each other, but some of them conflicted even with themselves! One time the person told me one thing and the next time that same person hit me with something else – Contrary to the first directive! In professional psychiatric terms, this is called “Double Binding”. In layman’s terms, it is called “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t”. Regardless of what you choose to call it, it will destroy a person and has been proven to cause psychotic behaviors. In extreme cases, it leads to murder, serial-killing, and suicides. It will definitely kill and destroy.
If you know who the being is, the one who seeks to kill and destroy, it is easy to understand why God told me to get out of those circles. (Sadly, this is why so many do not attend a church.) When it got out that God told me to get away from those who sow such destruction into me, these same sowers-of-destruction, started telling me that was not God speaking and I was hearing from the devil and following satan. Thank you, church-people, for even more condemnation spoken from ‘god’. (I use small “g” because I do not accept their words as being from the same “God” who set me free. God would not free me, just to put me back into bondage.) The Holy Spirit stressed to me that “Conviction without love is Condemnation.” Too many were speaking their personal thoughts and opinions to me and claiming divine revelation. In their minds, they may likely believed in what they thought I needed to hear, but that was the exact issue: It was what they thought I needed to hear.
Anyway, I digress…then again; maybe I needed to reflect, in order to put things in perspective…
Most of the modern, American church doesn’t need me, or want me. I don’t carry the proper credentials, but the pastors will bless me by receiving my tithe; while even avoiding me in the hallway. Others are very willing to disciple me and to bring me into ministering for others and to grow me – For a fee. My ex-wife did not need or want me; though she had no problem with me cleaning up her financial messes and catering to her “needs”, but I truly did not feel loved or wanted. My own children don’t seem to want me or need me, except for the same reasons. I am not allowed to confide my hurts or loves to them and our lives are not to be shared – Truly shared. Although, I have four grandsons, I am not allowed to see them and was even told by my oldest son that he didn’t care if I ever saw his two sons. I have to keep a continuous smile on my face or risk rejection, but for a fee or price, I can get someone to listen or pretend they care.
Most certainly, God does not need me either — BUT God wants me. That is difficult to grasp for me at times. Why would God, the Creator of all things want me? Surely God has plenty of others who are better than I and are more deserving. But God has shown over and over that He does indeed love me and wants me – Even though He does not need me. This is why His wanting me is so special to me; even when those others have no want for me. God does not need me because there is nothing I have that God requires. God asks nothing of me, except for just…me. That is all God wants – just me.
God loving me is not the issue. I wish people would stop with that nonsense already. I don’t need deliverance. God did that already. I need to feel loved by another and by others. I need to feel that someone really cares for me… that someone really WANTS me. The “church-people”, who keep trying to perfect what God has already done, don’t get this simple thing. Just let me feel loved and wanted. Is that so difficult? So, Being Alone with God to feel loved is not the issue. On the contrary, it is my family, and the church-people, who have no problem helping me to feel alone and unwanted in this world.
“My “House” WILL be restored.” This was prophesied to me years ago, but has been long in coming and heartbreaking nearly to the point of literal, physical death. God did not intend for me to be alone like this, and in God’s will, He has been working to rectify this. I believe this. However, we are all “free-agents” and can work against what God has willed. God will not force obedience to His will. Therefore, I remain alone, waiting. The detail of what kind of restoration God will do has not been revealed, but He will replace what has been stolen. I believe this.
Waiting has been tough though, tougher than can be explained, but I cannot change people. God could change people, but He will not force anyone to change, for the same reasons I would not change people, even if I could…. It is not love to force any change on someone. (In fact, this is manipulation and the bible refers to this as witchcraft.) If they don’t want me, then what good is it to force them to want me? Forcing this is not truly having them want me. God taught me this simple truth.
I absolutely do need God for salvation, but more importantly, I want God in my life for relationship. Imagine how much more alone I would be, if I were not alone with God? He is the only reason I still exist in this body. If it were up to others, I would have ended this hurt long ago. But God has better plans for me. He told me so, the last time we were alone together… just as I am typing this.
Alone With My Savior